


With Merely The Lowering Of Your Trousers

by Kastaka



Category: Order of the Stick
Genre: Yuletide, challenge:Yuletide 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-25
Updated: 2008-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-14 23:34:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/520675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kastaka/pseuds/Kastaka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I am so very, very sorry.</p>
    </blockquote>





	With Merely The Lowering Of Your Trousers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Princess Lauren](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Princess+Lauren).



> I am so very, very sorry.

 

 

"There is a... material component... to this spell."

Vaarsuvius has been away from the party for some time, and now they're back and only Haley is awake to greet them. It's like the rogue knows the value of setting a watch when camping out here like this, or something. The celestial isn't asleep, but she flew off 'scouting' a while back, and Belkar is snoring fit to wake the dead.

So it's Haley who followed Vaarsuvius into the night when they land and demand that she come with them. It's Haley who they addresses when they turn around in the forest clearing, clears their throat and speaks those dreadful words. At least, the tone in which they say them suggests that they're dreadful words. There's no other indication that they're anything but everyday syllables.

"..." replies Haley, who doesn't go in for this magic business unless she can charm it into working for her without all the complicated runes and arcane words getting in the way.

"Haley," intones Vaarsuvius, "I will need you to take off your clothes."

Haley's eyes narrow. Not because she suspects Vaarsuvius of anything untoward. Just because it's cold in the forest at night, and she doesn't know who else is around, and that's her *armour* that Vaarsuvius is asking her to take off, not just any old clothes like a mage would wear.

"Very well," continues Vaarsuvius, looking Haley up and down in a businesslike manner, "I suspect you can achieve the required situation with merely the lowering of your trousers and whatever underwear may be beneath them."

"..." continues Haley, but the cold look that Vaarsuvius gives her has already motivated her fingers to the fastening of her trousers. She continues to look incredulous at Vaarsuvius as she takes her trousers down, just a little, and tugs her underwear down with them.

Vaarsuvius hitches up their robe, and tucks it into their belt.

"I am afraid this part of the procedure will be most distasteful and unpleasant," Vaarsuvius warns, "as well as hardly befitting my station as an elf. I can only hope that you will bear with me for the good of the world, and of Greenhilt in particular."

"...what are you talking about, Vaarsuvius?" asks Haley suspiciously as the mage divests... himself?... of underwear.

"The body of Roy Greenhilt is beyond retrieval," states Vaarsuvius plainly. "Therefore, we require to manufacture a replacement."

Vaarsuvius does indeed have a penis, which the mage glares at until it is erect. Haley is just beginning to pull up her pants and back away from the crazy mage when Vaarsuvius notices and waves a hand in her direction. "Hold Person," the mage declares, leaving her bent over and tugging at her trousers. "Well, that will have to do, I suppose," Vaarsuvius continues, circling her warily and looking for somewhere to approach from.

"...I thought you were a girl..." complains Haley vaguely. Vaarsuvius waves her concern away.

"Gender is unimportant," the mage remarks, "when high magic is in order. Necessity breeds invention, and all that."

Suddenly, there is a voice from the bushes.

"Aha!" cries Elan, bursting in on the scene. "I knew I'd find you eventually, Haley! Vaarsuvius!" Then he takes in what appears to be happening. "..."

"Ah, Elan," says Vaarsuvius, ceasing the approach on Haley. "I expect you've tiresomely come to rescue your girlfriend at the dramatically appropriate moment?"

"Does she need rescuing?" asks Elan. "I thought you were taking care of that, once you'd managed to get your underwear back on."

"Foolish child," complains Vaarsuvius. "Do I have to spell out everything?"

"Yes please," replies Elan, confused.

"I, Vaarsuvius," says Vaarsuvius, striking a pose, "am the evil mage. I have incapacitated your girlfriend with a spell, and I am about to inseminate her for some terrible purpose of my own. Doesn't that sound like a fate she requires rescuing from?"

"Well, yes," says Elan, "now you put it like that. But when did you turn evil?"

"I haven't," sighs Vaarsuvius irritably. "I was just attempting to explain the situation in sufficiently simple terms that you might understand. What you are meant to do now, you see, Elan, is to bargain for her life, or possibly just her - rather dubious - virtue."

"But you're rescuing her, right?"

Vaarsuvius' eyes roll. "No, you dolt, I'm about to sexually assault her."

"Oh." Elan draws his sword. "Get away from my girl, you fiend!"

"Um," says Haley. "The Hold Person's worn off now. Do I get a say in this?"

"Sssh!" exclaims Vaarsuvius in an exaggerated manner, gesturing at her to stay quiet. "You just stand there and be the damsel in distress. I promise it will all work out for the best."

Haley looks mulish, but consents to remain in position for the moment.

"Ahem," continues Vaarsuvius. "I said, I have captured your girlfriend and bound her with foul magics. But you, dear boy, you could be of some use to me. If you ever want to see your girlfriend again, you shall follow me and do exactly as I say!" To Haley, Vaarsuvius gestures once more. "Improved invisibility! (and you'd better consent, it'll all work out for the best)"

Haley obediently vanishes from sight.

"You knave!" exclaims Elan. "I shall chase you to the ends of the earth!"

"Fortunately, that will not be necessary," replies Vaarsuvius tiredly. "Just follow me to the next glade and divest yourself of your trousers."

Something complicated involving underwear occurs, and Haley notices as the pair of them leave the glade that Vaarsuvius doesn't have a penis any more. Maybe the mage was a girl all along.

Several minutes later, a rather embarrassed-looking Elan trails behind a jubilant Vaarsuvius, who removes the invisibility spell from Haley. This doesn't work, because Haley is already quite some distance in another direction, having followed the pair of them into the next forest glade and seen exactly what went on.

"Um," says Vaarsuvius. "I think it might be time for me to leave again."

"You foul cur!" exclaims Elan. "I should never have trusted you to abide by your promise!"

"See you in nine months," calls Vaarsuvius, waving hands in the air. "Flight!"

Elan watches the mage ascend through the canopy, then heads down the obvious trail to find Belkar and the campfire. 

 


End file.
